Monday, February 7, 2011

Hello? Hello? Heeeelllllll-oooooooo?

Is anybody out there?
I've been away forever.
It took me, like, 10 minutes to figure out how to post again.
It feels weird to be on here.
Give me a minute...let me adjust...(crickets)
Okay...I think I've got it.
Hi!! To everyone!!
To no one...
See, I had a rough year. A REALLY rough year. I let a lot of things fall away...things that were good. And in the absence, I had less desirable things fill the spaces. And by time I realized what I had done, I couldn't figure out how I could reverse the process.
Now I'm kinda floating around in this space...having a bit of an existential crisis. I feel like I am living in a Talking Heads song.
Who Am I?
Where Am I?
And How Did I Get Here?
So...I did some rather drastic things (for me). I shunned my inner critic and am doing the Master Cleanse program. I know...that kind of health nut mumbo-jumbo is NOT my forte...I seriously think most of those people need a good spanking. But...I wanted to kind of clean out my body, my heart, and my the Master Cleanse seemed like a good way to do at least the body part.
I'm on Day 8, with a goal of at least 14 days. The first 4 days were rough (hunger, pain, etc.)...but what I've suffered with mostly is depression. Even after spending the last 18 months changing the way I eat and exercise and taking major drastic steps to change my life, I still associate many of my "fell good" emotions with food. Without eating, I feel left out...excluded from the family, my friends...even myself.
I'm not too sure what that says about me...besides that I have a long way to go before I completely change my relationship with food...I'm sure there's some deep psychological issue buried in there that needs rooting out.
Clearing my heart has involved some personal decisions...none of which need to shared on my blog.
Clearing out my mind has been almost a least for me. I suspended my Facebook account (dun, dun, dunnnnnnn).
THAT feel weird, too. Not being able to constantly catch up on everyone's life...not filling the emptiness in my own life with narcissistic status updates and pointless prattle with "friends"...
Don't get me wrong...there are many many people I LOVE on Facebook. In fact...the only person I don't love on Facebook is...myself.
Yet, I crave connection.
And I was sitting here...trying to not obsess over all the delicious food I've laid out for my family to partake on this glorious Game Day...and I remembered my blog.
I'm pretty sure no one reads it. Or remembers it. Or cares...
But it's still a place to write...and think...and breathe.
I hope I'm not trading one computer addiction for another.
I can't really go back and fill in a years worth of stuff...there's recipes and the summer camps we ran last birthdays and holidays and trips and'd be impossible.
But I'm not going to go back anymore...I'm trying to move forward.
So I guess this is me...saying hello to an empty void...
It's kinda nice.


Mel said...

Hello back. I like blogs better than FB, too. It's good to hear from what I think reflects more of the real you. Good luck with the cleanse. I miss you!

Shannan J. said...

LOL...thanks. I miss you too. It was nice to "catch up" with you on your blog...

Give me some time...I'm swimming through cement :)

Tiffany said...

It is not an empty void! I was excited to see you made a post and to catch up a little bit on what you are up to! :)