I am about to write a post on something that is sure to get me shunned out of every play group, PTA board, and Scout organization I belong to.
I am going to write about Mother's Day.
"What?" I hear you saying. "Why would we shun you for writing a post about something as wonderful as Mother's Day?"
And here is why...oh, gentle-but-soon-to-be-shocked-silly-readers...
I HATE MOTHERS DAY!!!
There...I said it. Let the shunning begin.
But wait!! BEFORE you grab your pitchforks and torches...let me defend myself.
See, I LOVE being a MOM. Being a MOM is completely different than my feelings about Mothers Day. I love each of my children as wonderful, amazing individuals. I love being part of a ever-diminishing breed...one of the very lucky, if slightly nutty, woman that are blessed to stay home and raise my kids. I love play groups, and PTA, and Scouts, and even playing chauffeur and doing grocery shopping (coupons and all).
But in spite of all that...I really, really, really hate Mothers Day.
I can hear horrified mothers all over the world audibly gasping "Why?!?"
There are two reasons...
ONE is because of my husband...and before you all start calling him ungrateful, and a cad, and a chauvinistic swine (or whatever else you can think of)...even though he is one of the reasons I hate Mothers Day...it's still not his fault.
I hate Mothers Day because Mothers Day is the single biggest money-making day in the restaurant business, and, as you know, my husband is the General Manager of a $10 million dollar hugely successful restaurant that does KILLER business on Mothers Day. Which means that he is there from 7am until midnight.
So I hate Mothers Day because all the world takes THEIR mothers out to dinner, keeping MY family separated and me at home, where I will be making my own dinner...just like every other day of the year.
The second reason I hate Mother's Day is because Mother's Day is always on a Sunday, which means I go to church. Now - I love church...and it spiritually centers my very chaotic life. But on Mother's Day, they always have some sort of Mother's Day program, in which well-meaning people get up and give talks with titles like: "What Makes a Perfect Mother", or "My Mother, The Saint", or "Inspirational Mothers from the Scriptures". All these talks, instead of making me feel special and inspired, make me feel like a great big LOSER.
I in NO WAY measure up to divine qualifications apparently needed for motherhood. In fact, there are some days I'm surprised my children are alive and fairly healthy. Depending on the day, I'm pretty sure my home meets all the requirements to be declared a federal disaster area, and I've already started trusts in my childrens names to help pay for the therapy they'll need to overcome the emotional scarring that I've undoubtedly caused.
People tell me that the mothers personified in the talks and poems and scriptures shared on Sundays are just ideals, and that they were undoubtedly as human as me. But I'm not sure...because I know several women who defy explanation in their ability to personify every whit of the person "Mother".
Just to add insult to injury, a member of the bishopric accosted me just this past Sunday and assigned me...me...ME of all people to give the talk on "Inspirational Mother Figures from the Scriptures".
Oh, bloody hell.
There is, however, a BEAUTIFUL bright side to all this angst about Mothers Day. And that is that this year, I decided that just because I am miserable and crabby...not EVERYONE should be. Many of you have husbands home to worship you for the day, and your children behave in church, and you don't have to stand in front of 150 people and be a hypocrite when you talk about how grateful you are for Mothers Day. That is MY curse.
THIS GIVEAWAY IS NOW ENDED. FINISHED. FINITE. WINNERS WILL BE POSTED TOMORROW, MAY 6, IN THE A.M. WHEN I AM BRIGHT-EYED AND BUSHY-TAILED!! GOOD LUCK!!
For you - I have a gift. I am giving away TWO $25 gift cards for Godiva Chocolate. For FREEEEEEEE (if you've seen Bedtime Stories, you can do the appropriate sound effects on the word "FREEEEEE").
All you have to do is leave a comment on my blog about your favorite part of Mothers Day (to help inspire me to change my outlook). Don't forget to leave your e-mail address so I have a way to contact you if you've won!!
You can get an additional entry by signing up to "follow" my blog. Send me an entirely separate e-mail letting me know that you're a "follower".
Lastly, you can blog about this giveaway on YOUR blog, e-mail me AGAIN (separate e-mails for separate entries), along with the link to your post (so I can check up on you!!), and I will give you a THIRD entry!!
I WILL STRICTLY ENFORCE THREE ENTRIES PER PERSON.
The contest will end one week from today...Tuesday May 5, at 8pm Eastern time. I will let the Random. org integer generator pick TWO lucky, lucky winners, who will get to spend $25 dollars each on luscious, divine, sinfully delicious Godiva chocolate (or give it away to YOUR mother, if you're the selfless type).
Now, this is my VERY FIRST giveaway people...so be kind while I work out the kinks!!